no_fastolfe | Warden 1.0 (Again, Vasilia)

Have so many of the faces I was used to gone? I had not realized how I would feel their loss. But some of my old acquaintances are active, and I am pleased to see you. Doctor, are you--well? [His last network post looked downright miserable.] It has been a period of years, in my timeline, how long last since I was here?

For the many that I see and do not know- hello, I am Doctor Vasilia Aliena of the Auroran Robotics Institute. I spent several months aboard this vessel as an inmate; I return now in hopes that I can be as successful as my wardens.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

From:

nolongerhollow

What? There is nothing for you to be sorry about. You did not turn this place into the miserable, hopeless shithole that it is. You did not murder my Brides and all my kin; nor did you try to tell me that I deserved such a loss. You didn't discriminate against me constantly and try to bait me into fights. You didn't murder one of my best friends and then prevent me from avenging him. I shut down because this place is Hell and most of the people here are bastards who aren't worth caring about. I should have done it sooner. It would have saved me a lot of suffering.

I do not understand why this upsets you. But I am sorry that it does. But it is my only option. I must preserve myself. I must remain functional enough to graduate.

From:

no_fastolfe

That the barge has been so hostile that this is your necessary recourse-- that I am sorry for! It is not my doing, but I regret it.

[She pulls back, looking at him sadly.]

Have I so much to answer for, as a warden? Is my presence here meaningless--useless to any inmate who might be as beseiged as yourself?

[It's not even remotely rhetorical.]

From:

nolongerhollow

I don't believe your presence here is meaningless or that you will be unable to help someone else. I just...have every reason to stop feeling and no reasons to continue. I am hated here. Not universally, but universally enough. Most of the Wardens here don't actually believe in second chances; no matter how much we progress we are still hated and discriminated against. The so called "heroes" are the worst, with their self-righteousness and black-white thinking. It is as bad as being imprisoned as a child was. And just as I did when I was small, the answer is to hide my heart again.

From:

no_fastolfe

I know what it is to feel as if every stranger is an enemy. In my case, an illusion of chemical imbalance. I responded with rage, incoherence. But I am no physical threat and was left to myself.

I did ... value time spent in your company, the knowledge that I could impart mundane pleasures to another.

From:

nolongerhollow

[He reaches to unlock the greenhouse.] I value it greatly. You taught me so much about being friends, I cannot even begin to explain my gratitude. [There's a little life to his eyes for a moment.]

Come in. We've changed things around a bit.

From:

no_fastolfe

As you did me. It was... I have no friends like you on Aurora. I have begun to work with my robots, to develop their individuality and assess them for potential true free will, but they are still proto-sentient. I cannot order them to love me, cannot impose upon them and remain true to my principles.

[She brushes a hair away from her eyes.] I have been alone. I am glad to see you again.

From:

nolongerhollow

Well, even in my current state, do not doubt that I care for you. What I do is meant to defend myself, not cause you trouble.

[This smile is a little more genuine.]

I have faith in your genius and your ability to create artificial people. It is merely a matter of time. As for me...perhaps I can go back to my old self when I am no longer imprisoned here.

[The greenhouse looms over them, its lights in night-cycle.]

From:

no_fastolfe

That I never doubt. [She reaches out to grip his hand briefly.]

I hope that you can find peace-- here or outside. [She moves carefully among the flower-beds, minding her feet in the reduced light.]

From:

nolongerhollow

[He squeezes her hand gently, and his eyes flicker. He doesn't want to worry her.]

Peace. I won't find it here. This place is a nightmare. Someone removed some of my memories and I still cannot--

[But that is an admission of weakness, and he shuts up quickly.]

From:

no_fastolfe

[She walks in silence with him, slowly, examining the flowers and shrubs they pass with attentiveness.]

It is quite lovely, though the layout has changed since I was last here.

From:

nolongerhollow

[He comes a bit more alive in this setting, partly from the company and partly because all his memories of this place are comforting.]

I put up the pots with the jasmine vines on top of those columns. Which reminds me, I am the only one who can water them and I haven't been in enough. [He goes for the hose.]

Ah, they've been suffering a bit without my care. [A touch of real regret in his voice.]

From:

no_fastolfe

I hope you aren't being kept from your work here? [She steps back, watching in admiration and curiosity as always, intrigued to see his defiance of gravity.]

From:

nolongerhollow

I couldn't bring up the enthusiasm to keep to my duties for a while, and the greenhouse has suffered a little for it. I will do my best to make up for that. [He darts around to each of the pots in turn with the long hose, making sure not to splash her as he passes.]

If I still decide to become a Warden I will ask for a grotto with plants.

From:

no_fastolfe

Ah. [A soft sound of acknowledgement.]

I ... had not considered what being a warden would mean to my decorations. But I do not think I will ask for plants-- if given my choice, I prefer them less restrained than I could manage in my room, and without gardening full time. This task I happily leave to robots. Though I had hoped that Armiston's long functional life gardening might have given him a sense of aesthetics-- I am still working with him, encouraging him to make more independent choices, to see if he has or will spontaneously develop one.

But! [She's just remembered the significance of the gardens on her estate.] I created a minor sensation by introducing Earth flowers onto my estate. I hinted at a botanical archivist contact on Melpomene and no great suspicion was raised-- but I have been solicited for seed and growth. Your Alpine pinks are flourishing across several Auroran estates.

From:

nolongerhollow

How old is Armiston? Even a human requires several years for truly independent thought. Just a consideration. [He appreciates her work, and even in his muted state wants to encourage her.]

[The news of the flowers brings out a smile...enough of one that the pain starts to come back and he gasps a little. But it is good news.]

That is excellent news! They are...becoming endangered on Earth.

From:

no_fastolfe

He is a hundred and fifty-- not a fifteenth of the expected lifespan of a ro-- Count!

[Despite the difference in size, she reaches up to catch his shoulder, as if she can support him.]

They-- ah, thrive on Aurora, and my own blooms are tended with care. Armiston knows that they are significant to me; we talk about it sometimes.

From:

nolongerhollow

I am sorry. It happens every time I start to feel. It is why I refuse to feel anymore. There is too much pain, and my Warden is fucking useless. He has already said that he cannot help me.

From:

no_fastolfe

I should have come back sooner.

From:

nolongerhollow

You couldn't have shielded me. This place is full of horrors, and it has been one pain after another for months. I even got hit with an amnesia spell, and found that it robbed me of nothing I would miss. Just the memories of my marriage to the most insane, stupid, faithless bitch ever to become a vampire.

I have tried to explain to people that I have no reason to feel anymore, but they don't understand.

From:

no_fastolfe

It is the human condition-- the condition of all sentients, I should say-- that we seek both stability and betterment, though one cannot come but at the cost of the other.

I understand, Count. But it seems as if there is still anger, and nothing to defray it. I hope I am wrong.

From:

nolongerhollow

[He goes back to recoil the hose, his moments a little slow and his head drooping.]

There's never been anything to defray it except my self discipline and desire not to do harm. I only know three things to do with anger: indulge it, swallow it and suffer, or shut down. I have swallowed too much. I...can't even explain what it has been like to spend an entire year restraining myself without any outlet or means of mitigating it. I was so well behaved that it hurt me, Vasilia. Of course the anger is still there. It is there every moment of my existence. If I pay attention to my heart it feels like I have swallowed a hot coal.

From:

no_fastolfe

Vladislaus... [Her heart aches in sympathy.]

I am so... poor at managing my own emotions. I can't help, I don't know how. If I could only take you back to Aurora, now, let you rest. My estate is beautiful and calm. Isolated.

From:

nolongerhollow

[He looks at her bleakly, appearing for a moment as if he's actually going to start crying.]

I know, I understand. That is what everyone keeps telling me. I...

[And his voice is suddenly shaking with emotion.]

I just wish I could go somewhere where no one knows what I am.

From:

no_fastolfe

[She lets out a harsh exhale and forces a calm smile. She must not let her own misgivings burden him now.]

I too. There are obstacles yet... but there are worlds. I visited old friends from the barge. The admiral's powers to transport are no lie. There is. At least. Hope.