6.0 There's the rub
Oct. 9th, 2011 11:01 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no_fastolfeIt was certainly not a medical coma in any way. It was like sleep-- a long, untroubled sleep, with elements of physiological stasis to prevent muscular decay and other unwanted bodily functions.
I nearly wish I hadn't woken up. This ship looks like a dead world and the archives are full of fear and missing people. I can be no help, could have been no help. I would rather have gone on sleeping.
[Private to Sherlock after some backreading]
I am not redeemed and continue to have no idea-- or urgency to find out-- what the terms of my redemption are.
[Filtered to inmate-buddies-- Rinzler, Rhade, Dracula, Rassilon, Rex]
You are well, then?
[Infirmary filter and Sherlock]
I am going to need the services of a mentologist. I would like to discuss options for medications. It became extremely apparent during the involuntary honesty flood that my mental state is not what it was at home, and that I have had little success controlling my reactions to stress.
[Here's where pride intersects awkwardly with some kind of vestigial empathy] However I am hardly in dire need, the situation is still largely under my control: I realize that the infirmary is short staffed and there was a concern of injury resultant from the barge phenomena.
I nearly wish I hadn't woken up. This ship looks like a dead world and the archives are full of fear and missing people. I can be no help, could have been no help. I would rather have gone on sleeping.
[Private to Sherlock after some backreading]
I am not redeemed and continue to have no idea-- or urgency to find out-- what the terms of my redemption are.
[Filtered to inmate-buddies-- Rinzler, Rhade, Dracula, Rassilon, Rex]
You are well, then?
[Infirmary filter and Sherlock]
I am going to need the services of a mentologist. I would like to discuss options for medications. It became extremely apparent during the involuntary honesty flood that my mental state is not what it was at home, and that I have had little success controlling my reactions to stress.
[Here's where pride intersects awkwardly with some kind of vestigial empathy] However I am hardly in dire need, the situation is still largely under my control: I realize that the infirmary is short staffed and there was a concern of injury resultant from the barge phenomena.
[Private]
Date: 2011-10-09 08:48 pm (UTC)[Private]
Date: 2011-10-09 09:12 pm (UTC)And yes, you must. For the Engine room, Toshiko Sato or Commander Tucker, for the Barge related experiments, T'Pol and Omega, for the other, Capa or Narvin.
[Assume Sherlock inserted 'Mr' and 'Dr' etc where necessary, since I'm too lazy to double check with everyone. And IDK how up to date the jobs post is, if there are any other ongoing experiments you know about, assume they've been included as well. xD]
[Private]
Date: 2011-10-09 09:14 pm (UTC)May I wait a day to contact them or will you start penalizing me immediately?
[Private]
Date: 2011-10-09 09:16 pm (UTC)This isn't intended as a punishment. I know first-hand how stifling boredom can be.
[Private]
Date: 2011-10-09 09:53 pm (UTC)It is a boredom of my own choosing. I have little control over my own fate. Even inactivitey is action.
[The tone is almost apologetic]
You will have seen my backdated ... unfiltered verbal output?
[Private]
Date: 2011-10-09 09:59 pm (UTC)I have.
[Private]
Date: 2011-10-09 10:08 pm (UTC)Several of your earlier accus-- assumptions were quite clearly born out. Are you pleased?
[Private]
Date: 2011-10-09 10:22 pm (UTC)Not particularly. They were not assumptions, but statement of fact, I do not require proof. Though apparently you do. So perhaps it's for the best. Still, you may as well know I don't approve of the Admiral's methods. If you like, we can undertake an investigation into how such, free speech, may be prevented should it happen again.
[Private] repost fail and fail and fail
Date: 2011-10-09 10:43 pm (UTC)The greatest effect of the flood was, however, internal. I was unable to rationalize or ignore the discrepancy between the interactions I have had an my response to them. I recognize this as a flaw in myself. But it is not, certainly, what I am here for.
What do you expect of me, Mister Holmes? What moral issue are you meant to rectify in me? I would rather know your intention than go on oppressed by my darkest assumptions of your goals. [Which is exactly what she said she didn't care about at first, yes. The effort to break through her posturing isn't always successful. ]
[Private] sorry didn't see repost at first
Date: 2011-10-09 10:50 pm (UTC)Honestly, from our interactions, and the information in your file, I'm not sure the issue is a moral one. Particularly considering your responses during the flood. You show a far greater degree of self-awareness than I expected my inmate to have.
I would like you to recognise your paranoid delusions for what they are. Likewise your prejudices and your racism. I'd like you to see yourself for what you are, and know that whatever it is? It's not something to be ashamed of. We cannot change who we are Ms Aleina. We can simply accept and move on. I am not a hero, nor a 'good' person. I have been called a psycopath, that's technically incorrect, a high-functioning sociapath is more specific. But the fact remains I am not the most well balanced, morally or emotionally healthy individual. Yet the Admiral chose me to be a warden. He considered me to have the tools at my disposal to bring another person to graduation.
It's not about fixing you, it's about allowing you to see yourself... Which was presumably the drive behind the misguided flood.
On that point, something that came up during the flood. Have you come across the term 'asexual', before?
Re: [Private] sorry didn't see repost at first
Date: 2011-10-10 12:45 am (UTC)[She hears the volume of her voice rising, and shuts her mouth with, visibly trying to calm down. What she saw in herself without comforting lies appalled her.]
I disagree with your assessment but I lack the objectivity to argue it now.
Why do you mention asexuality? A biological trait, a means of reproduction. I know of it, but am no biologist.
[Private]
Date: 2011-10-10 10:54 am (UTC)I, ah, [eh, talking about sex] meant asexuality as a sexual preference. I have some literature that may interest you. [OH Sherlock don't be a coward]. I thought it might benefit you to know that not every person holds this fascination with sex. There are, a whole range of responses, and disinterest is a perfectly valid one. [Better but still not quite there.]
That is to say, I consider myself asexual. [Yay, he said it!]
[Private]
Date: 2011-10-10 12:44 pm (UTC)It only manifests as a tightening of her jaw. Oh, she got viciously angry at Baley, but never like she's been on the barge, never yelling and arguing on shaky logic just out of the terror of losing. Now she argues with herself, instead and sits on the reaction.]
It is considered somewhat poor taste, on Aurora, to comment on other's sexual preferences. [Not that it ever stopped her.] Beyond the innate assumption that one has said preferences. I am not familiar with the terminology. What, as applied to human sexuality, does 'asexual' mean in your experience?
[Private]
Date: 2011-10-10 10:26 pm (UTC)In general terms, a lack of interest, or lack of enjoyment in the act of sexual intercourse.
Re: [Private]
Date: 2011-10-11 12:03 am (UTC)Differentiated from sexual dysfunction or hormonal imbalance, how?
[Private]
Date: 2011-10-11 09:08 am (UTC)[Private]
Date: 2011-10-11 02:03 pm (UTC)[Is it just her, or is this quickly distinguishing itself as Most Awkward Thing to Talk With Warden About?]
You said you had literature?
[Private]
Date: 2011-10-11 07:19 pm (UTC)[Not just her.]
[Private]
Date: 2011-10-12 04:01 pm (UTC)[Private]
Date: 2011-10-12 05:51 pm (UTC)[Private]
Date: 2011-10-12 06:20 pm (UTC)[Log/spam/assume?]
[Private]
Date: 2011-10-12 07:51 pm (UTC)