6.0 There's the rub

[no_fastolfe]

It was certainly not a medical coma in any way. It was like sleep-- a long, untroubled sleep, with elements of physiological stasis to prevent muscular decay and other unwanted bodily functions.

I nearly wish I hadn't woken up. This ship looks like a dead world and the archives are full of fear and missing people. I can be no help, could have been no help. I would rather have gone on sleeping.

[Private to Sherlock after some backreading]
I am not redeemed and continue to have no idea-- or urgency to find out-- what the terms of my redemption are.

[Filtered to inmate-buddies-- Rinzler, Rhade, Dracula, Rassilon, Rex]
You are well, then?

[Infirmary filter and Sherlock]
I am going to need the services of a mentologist. I would like to discuss options for medications. It became extremely apparent during the involuntary honesty flood that my mental state is not what it was at home, and that I have had little success controlling my reactions to stress.

[Here's where pride intersects awkwardly with some kind of vestigial empathy] However I am hardly in dire need, the situation is still largely under my control: I realize that the infirmary is short staffed and there was a concern of injury resultant from the barge phenomena.

Comments

[Private]

[no_fastolfe]

Excellent. I will continue to monitor it.

[And she's glad to see you're all right, rare-person-with-whom-she-has-civil-conversations. Nonfriend.]

[Private]

[byronicsherlock.livejournal.com]

I don't see why you can't run your own experiments as well, whether you work there or not. You'll require assistance to enter the lab as it is a restricted area. I will see to it the others are aware of your work if I am, for whatever reason, unavailable. [Someone doesn't trust the Admiral not to chuck him into a coma again.]

And yes, you must. For the Engine room, Toshiko Sato or Commander Tucker, for the Barge related experiments, T'Pol and Omega, for the other, Capa or Narvin.

[Assume Sherlock inserted 'Mr' and 'Dr' etc where necessary, since I'm too lazy to double check with everyone. And IDK how up to date the jobs post is, if there are any other ongoing experiments you know about, assume they've been included as well. xD]

[Private]

[no_fastolfe]

[No probs!]

May I wait a day to contact them or will you start penalizing me immediately?

[Private]

[byronicsherlock.livejournal.com]

...

This isn't intended as a punishment. I know first-hand how stifling boredom can be.

[Private]

[no_fastolfe]

[Awkward silence. She doesn't like him but also feels unusually off-balance at slapping away something genuinely calculated o please her. Because she has been so bored.]

It is a boredom of my own choosing. I have little control over my own fate. Even inactivitey is action.
[The tone is almost apologetic]

You will have seen my backdated ... unfiltered verbal output?

[Private]

[byronicsherlock.livejournal.com]

Let me rephrase. While this is not intended as a punishment, it is non-negotiable. Let's say, a week.

I have.

[Private]

[truth_is_cold]

I'm alive. Angry. But well.

[Private]

[no_fastolfe]

I am aware of your intent and my limited recourse. But it was not fitting to accuse you of cruelty. You presented the concept... quite inoffensively. Nearly considerately. I sought to defend my emotional reaction. [Rationality is so hard. She's afraid and alone and wants to hurt other people mentally so that she is not alone in misery. But this is NOT behavior befitting a Spacer!]

Several of your earlier accus-- assumptions were quite clearly born out. Are you pleased?

[Private]

[no_fastolfe]

You were among the missing. Is it over? Is everyone recovered?

[Private]

[byronicsherlock.livejournal.com]

[Short pause, and then, rather stilted.] You don't have to justify everything you say. My skin is quite thick and I do not require apologies.

Not particularly. They were not assumptions, but statement of fact, I do not require proof. Though apparently you do. So perhaps it's for the best. Still, you may as well know I don't approve of the Admiral's methods. If you like, we can undertake an investigation into how such, free speech, may be prevented should it happen again.

[Private] repost fail and fail and fail

[no_fastolfe]

I have an idea for speech pattern analysis that could serve as an automatic filter.

The greatest effect of the flood was, however, internal. I was unable to rationalize or ignore the discrepancy between the interactions I have had an my response to them. I recognize this as a flaw in myself. But it is not, certainly, what I am here for.

What do you expect of me, Mister Holmes? What moral issue are you meant to rectify in me? I would rather know your intention than go on oppressed by my darkest assumptions of your goals. [Which is exactly what she said she didn't care about at first, yes. The effort to break through her posturing isn't always successful. ]

[Private] sorry didn't see repost at first

[byronicsherlock.livejournal.com]

Hm, not a bad idea.

Honestly, from our interactions, and the information in your file, I'm not sure the issue is a moral one. Particularly considering your responses during the flood. You show a far greater degree of self-awareness than I expected my inmate to have.

I would like you to recognise your paranoid delusions for what they are. Likewise your prejudices and your racism. I'd like you to see yourself for what you are, and know that whatever it is? It's not something to be ashamed of. We cannot change who we are Ms Aleina. We can simply accept and move on. I am not a hero, nor a 'good' person. I have been called a psycopath, that's technically incorrect, a high-functioning sociapath is more specific. But the fact remains I am not the most well balanced, morally or emotionally healthy individual. Yet the Admiral chose me to be a warden. He considered me to have the tools at my disposal to bring another person to graduation.

It's not about fixing you, it's about allowing you to see yourself... Which was presumably the drive behind the misguided flood.

On that point, something that came up during the flood. Have you come across the term 'asexual', before?

Private

[requiresssacrifice]

I'm well... now that I've been rescued by the warden cavalry.

[feels-no-love.livejournal.com]

Yes, Doctor. After the bit of news I just got, I believe I will be just fine. Are you all right now? I have not been in a coma yet but they seem most unnerving.

Re: [Private] sorry didn't see repost at first

[no_fastolfe]

Racism? You cannot mean -- no, there are differences. It is simple fact-- the environmental differences alone--

[She hears the volume of her voice rising, and shuts her mouth with, visibly trying to calm down. What she saw in herself without comforting lies appalled her.]
I disagree with your assessment but I lack the objectivity to argue it now.

Why do you mention asexuality? A biological trait, a means of reproduction. I know of it, but am no biologist.

Private

[no_fastolfe]

What has happened?

[no_fastolfe]

The aftereffects have not been uniformly pleasant, but for a moment on waking there was a sense of such peace and calm.

But you have good news?

[feels-no-love.livejournal.com]

A matter of Barge justice. The man who tried to make my former Bride look like a murderer has been caught. It provides a certain sense of closure.

[no_fastolfe]

I am pleased there have been some answers then!

[Infirmary and Sherlock.]

[toldastory]

I'd be willing to work with you on this, if you like.

[Private]

[truth_is_cold]

We are. We might not of been if I hadn't resorted to biting like a savage. But sometimes one is forced to fight however they can.

[Private]

[no_fastolfe]

[Her eeeew face]

Your instincts, they guide you to this? I could not-- I could never taste another person's skin or blood. It is vile.

[Infirmary and Sherlock]

[no_fastolfe]

I will not have this held over my head or yours by that detestable Crane. A full spectrum chemical test should be first. Every protocol that will prevent mockery or perception of bias. I cannot-- I cannot do this and be laughed at.

[There's a little horror in that last bit. She doesn't like Crane and she's on edge just asking in the first place-- she's projecting a calm front, trying to find her center again, but the stress is under the surface, just waiting to burst out in another tantrum if she can't leash it.]

Do you have mentologists on staff? I am afraid I know of none.

[Private]

[byronicsherlock.livejournal.com]

Then perhaps we can state that as our first objective -- working on your emotional responses. Anger management, I believe it's called.

I, ah, [eh, talking about sex] meant asexuality as a sexual preference. I have some literature that may interest you. [OH Sherlock don't be a coward]. I thought it might benefit you to know that not every person holds this fascination with sex. There are, a whole range of responses, and disinterest is a perfectly valid one. [Better but still not quite there.]

That is to say, I consider myself asexual. [Yay, he said it!]

[Private]

[no_fastolfe]

[She inhales through her nose, and there's a burst of temper at the tip of her tongue-- not being patronized to, or being compared to an Earther, or needing validation from one certainly.

It only manifests as a tightening of her jaw. Oh, she got viciously angry at Baley, but never like she's been on the barge, never yelling and arguing on shaky logic just out of the terror of losing. Now she argues with herself, instead and sits on the reaction.]

It is considered somewhat poor taste, on Aurora, to comment on other's sexual preferences. [Not that it ever stopped her.] Beyond the innate assumption that one has said preferences. I am not familiar with the terminology. What, as applied to human sexuality, does 'asexual' mean in your experience?