5.0 Truthiness

[no_fastolfe]

I hate you. I hate all of you. Except the ones that I don't but I'm afraid if I like them too much they'll abandon me. Even one of my own robots abandoned me and I loved him very much and he's dead. He wouldn't have died if he'd stayed with me and I think he must not have loved me. I was so sure he did.

Every day you show little pieces of your lives and I see how much you are individuals who seek to make the most out of your short lifespan and it terrifies me that there are billions of you on Earth and settling the galaxy because so long as you are insects you could never overrun the Spacer worlds but if you are people then your voices will drown us out and I will not have lived for anything.

I am so afraid of dying now and I hate that the last thing I know before my death will be fear and pain and I hate that there is nothing all Spacer advancement can do about it and I hate all of you.



[OOC: Vasilia is so affected. Not being able to lie to herself is being very damaging. On the other hand, for the first time since she was a weetiny thing she will completely trust people... whether that's good or not.]

Comments

[acid_rayne]

Ten points for not mentioning how often you masturbate.

[no_fastolfe]

I don't frequently and when I do I'm ashamed that I don't have the proper response to other people so I treat it like a necessary chore.

Everyone is talking about how much they enjoy sex and it makes me feel mentally damaged for not enjoying it in the same way and I have a very irrational conviction that they're all doing it specifically to hurt me. I have so many irrational beliefs and I am not sure how to control them so I treat them as if they were true.

[acid_rayne]

I shouldn't have written a word.

Look, sex should be about desire. If you want it, you want it. If you don't, don't. There's nothing to be ashamed of.

It's most likely 'cause you haven't found the right person to do the right thing, anyhow... Hang-ups like these are how wars get started, man.

[19centconstable.livejournal.com]

I don't...understand, miss. Why do you hate us?

[no_fastolfe]

I do desire orgasm although infrequently. I do not desire another person and all of my life I have been lead to believe this is abnormal.

I resent the idea that a 'correct' individual could fix me because it seems to invalidate my experience and also because it would make years of personal struggle irrelevant.

[acid_rayne]

Look, just...

Sounds like your biggest problem is you don't know how to relax. Period. Someone needs to help you get drunk, then you'll have no excuse.

Remember, you can revise assumptions. You can't change the past.

[no_fastolfe]

You are Earthers and I had a very simple idea of your behavior before I came here. Fiction and report assures me that you are dirty, infectious, stupid, and greatly unattached to your lives because there are so many of you that one life is lost in the noise. This did not precisely fit my experience with the Earther I met before I came here but he used very personal aspects of my life against me and I hated him too much to revise my opinions based on his actions.

I have to reassess my opinions now because there are people here whose company I enjoy who are also Earthers and it completely reshapes my view of morality and galactic politics and I hate change very much.

[no_fastolfe]

I find you very threatening and I think you are patronizing me. I am not sure if this is a reasonable response or an irrational reaction to being disagreed with.

I do not drink. No Spacer does and I treasure my mind most of all my assets and would be terrified if I could not use it properly.

[acid_rayne]

So, make it a first time. It's fun! Fun's what you need! Hell, I hate just about the entire human race, too - and even I know you need to cut loose, every once in a while.

You're about as high-strung as a steel violin...

[strangehistorian]

Your opinion of the other people here has no bearing on whether or not you will be redeemed.

[On a normal day, this would have come out as 'i'm very sorry to hear that.]

[no_fastolfe]

[Conflict. It sounds like a horrible idea and yet it must be true.]

All right, I will experiment if you think it will help.

[acid_rayne]

So long as it's someone who can tell you when to stop...

[no_fastolfe]

I don't want to be redeemed because I assume the worst about what is expected of me and fear that I will turn into an entirely different individual. My greater fear is that the change will be harmless and better me in some way and that this will invalidate the rest of my life and prove me wrong. I can't stand to be wrong.

[no_fastolfe]

This is useful information.

[She's noting it down.]

Are there other procedures I should know about?

[19centconstable.livejournal.com]

Change can be very difficult, but I think all of that sounds very positive.

[acid_rayne]

Proc

You've really never done this before, have you?

[no_fastolfe]

But if it is true then I have been wrong all my life and I am terrified of being wrong. It angers me and it makes me think that people are laughing at me.

[no_fastolfe]

I am a Spacer. We value our lifespans; even if we do nothing with them, we think they make us superior to Earthers. Caffeine, narcotics and alcohol shorten our lifespan and increase the signs of aging so we avoid them.

It is difficult to maintain a socially acceptable appearance and I liked the last port where I was ugly, but if I let my appearance slip on Aurora people will talk behind my back so I avoid alcohol.

[strangehistorian]

You will get over it.

[ = "I'm sorry, but I'm sure everything's going to be fine."]

Why would it prove you wrong?

[no_fastolfe]

If I let my negative emotions fade I'll feel idiotic for having had them in the first place.

[Amazingly this is both objection and answer]

[strangehistorian]

Don't. Your emotions are largely a result of the circumstances of your life and upbringing, I assume.

[no_fastolfe]

To some extent they are influenced by my experiences but I have been suspecting for some time that there is a chemical imbalance that makes me prone to depression and paranoia. I feel like my own brain has tricked me.

[strangehistorian]

This is no fault of yours either, simply a result of your genetics. Or chance. And I believe in several of our representative worlds there are chemicals one can take as medicine to regulate this sort of imbalance. I read about it in the Encyclopedia Brittanica.

[no_fastolfe]

My mirror self used those chemicals and was a happier person even though she was under constant mental and physical attack and it seems too easy and some of her ideas are frightening to me.

[19centconstable.livejournal.com]

It's alright to have been wrong if you realize it, and strive to make things right.

I am certainly not laughing at you, and I don't believe anyone else is either.